2 am on a summer Saturday night, the time the first draft of this article was born. A beautiful summer night, smelling of lemons, burning anxiety and guilt. And not the pink pepper, mandarin orange, bergamot Gucci guilt, but the ready-to-explode gasoline one.
I’ll paint you a picture. Imagine your partner being your rock through one of the hardest times of your and your family’s life, proving daily how much you mean to them, but you still have this internal conviction that they will undoubtedly and purposefully hurt* you. Well, I was and still sometimes am You. *Hurt, of course, has a different face for everyone. To me, being hurt = being left.
Why the guilt, though? I think we can all agree it is unfair to transfer our anxiety onto someone else. Let alone a person who holds your hand and helps you go through and deal with it. And by anxiety, I mostly refer to the monster behind it – trauma. After all, most of our fears stem from traumatic experiences we’ve encountered throughout our lives – whether our consciousness is aware of them or not.
Fortunately, I have a partner who can spot my trauma more quickly than I can myself. He helps me acknowledge it because, let’s be honest, my anxiety hurts me more than it affects him. And you can’t heal if you keep pretending it doesn’t hurt.
You can’t heal if you keep pretending it doesn’t hurt.
This article could be viewed as my first step towards healing, and given the fact that the original draft was crafted 7 months ago, it is safe to say that it was a hell of a big step to take. (I’m 160cm, so big steps are challenging for my short legs, okay?)
Here, I will try to answer the following questions:
Why do we feel insecure in a healthy relationship?
What can we do to fix it?
Spoiler alert: No matter what the issue is, open communication is always part of the resolution – even if I forget to include it in some of the points later on. However, before we continue, I’d like to insert a quote that I kept going back to in the process of writing this article. It felt important.
There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. Fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love.
– 1 John 4:18
Insecurity versus Trust
👉🏼It took me a while to understand that I can still feel insecure even if I have all the trust in the world that my partner won’t cheat or leave me.
Insecurity is a tricky one. It can stem from a variety of sources, including past experiences, personal insecurities, or external factors such as social media or cultural pressures. Even if you trust your partner, you may still feel insecure about your own worthiness, their feelings towards you, or their interactions with others.
I know it’s hard! It’s been hard for me, too, but it’s important to recognize and address these feelings of insecurity in a relationship, whether through communication with your partner or seeking support from a therapist. It’s also important to remember that feeling insecure is normal and doesn’t necessarily indicate a lack of trust or love in the relationship.
Although normal, insecurities could have a bad influence on your relationship if left unacknowledged or navigated in an unhealthy way.
To kill the grass you must also remove the root.
Pol Pot
The same logic applies here – to kill the insecurity, you must also remove the root cause(s) of it. Here’s the list of all the root causes I’ve personally explored while dealing with my insecurities:
past experiences
❤️🩹 or the self-sabotage.
Past negative experiences from previous relationships can leave a lasting impact on us, leading to feelings of insecurity in future relationships. These experiences could include but are not limited to unfaithfulness, rejection, abandonment, gaslighting, control, etc. They could have a lasting impact on our sense of self and our ability to trust others, but they don’t have to define our future relationships.
SHOULD WE BLAME OUR PREVIOUS PARTNERS?
I’ve found that blaming ex-partners for past relationship trauma is not productive and may not be fair. While it’s true that our past partners may have contributed to our relationship difficulties, it takes two to tango, doesn’t it
While it’s natural to want to assign blame for past relationship trauma, it’s more productive to focus on understanding and learning from those experiences to move forward and create healthier relationships in the future.
💡HOW MANY OF MY THOUGHTS ARE ASSUMPTIONS?
⬆️
This is the question that helped me the most on my journey of preventing past relationships from interfering with my current one. Most of the time, the reality in our heads is not the reality at all. Asking the question How many of my thoughts are assumptions? Every time you notice that your head might be tricking you, it is a very efficient way of differentiating the two.
This and the spoiler alert from earlier: no matter what the issue is, open communication is always part of the resolution.
low self-esteem
🥀 or feeling unworthy.
Low self-esteem can have a significant impact on our ability to feel secure in any relationship. It often makes us doubt our own worth and tricks us into believing that we don’t deserve to be loved or treated well. This can make it difficult to accept love and affection from our partner, as we may feel unworthy or believe that they will eventually realize that we’re not good enough for them.
Food for thought: ➡️ Isn’t that for them to decide?
These feelings of insecurity can also cause us to become overly reliant on our partner for validation and affirmation, which can be a burden on the relationship. We may constantly seek reassurance from our partner or become jealous and possessive, which can cause tension and conflict in the relationship.
Sounds familiar?
💡WHAT CAN YOU DO TO FIX THIS?
First, put yourself in your partner’s shoes. “I wish you could see yourself through my eyes” is something I once told my partner when he was feeling low. Without going into detail, that was the moment I realised that this is exactly how he felt every time I was engaging in negative self-talk or felt worthless. Being with someone is a choice. If our partners can keep choosing to love us at our lowest, why do we struggle so much to keep choosing to love ourselves?
Second, look at your younger self. Dig out a picture of yourself as a child and stare at it. Would you ever call this kid unworthy? Would you ever call it undeserving of love? Or not good enough? That’s what I thought. Then how come you keep doing it to yourself?
Finally, work on building our self-esteem and addressing any negative self-talk or patterns of comparison. This may involve seeking therapy, practising self-care and self-compassion, and focusing on our strengths and positive qualities. By improving our own sense of self-worth, we can build stronger, healthier relationships and feel more secure in our connection with our partner.
lack of communication
🙊 assumptions are the enemy.
Lack of communication can make us feel insecure in a healthy relationship as it can lead to misunderstandings, assumptions, and a lack of clarity about the relationship. When we’re not communicating effectively with our partner, we may be left to guess or assume what they’re thinking or feeling, which can create unneeded anxiety and a sense of uncertainty.
STORYTIME
When my partner cleans, he suddenly becomes extremely silent, and his face turns into my-daughter-ran-away-from-home-with-a-boy-who-is-in-a-rock-band-dad-serious. Understandably (not), for the longest time, this made me assume that he was upset with me or found me annoying when, in fact, shutting down and concentrating solely on the task of cleaning made his mind relax.
The moral of the story: Without clear communication, we may not know the real reason for our partner’s behaviour, leading to unnecessary worry and insecurity.
Additionally, a lack of communication can prevent us from addressing issues or concerns in the relationship. If we’re not comfortable talking to our partner about our needs or boundaries, we may feel like we’re not being heard or that our needs aren’t being met. This can lead to feelings of resentment and insecurity in the relationship.
💡HOW TO AVOID THIS?
Yes, it’s that simple – talk. Okay, simple might’ve been an exaggeration, but that’s the only actual remedy for most, if not all, relationship issues – talking. Prioritize open and honest communication with your partner.
Voicing our worries, fears and concerns – in a healthy, non-offensive and calm manner – is the only way we could ever receive another point of view, solution or emotional support. Don’t assume. Whatever you are not sure about – ask. A question is way more likely to lead to an answer.
changes in the relationship
🪴 although change is the only constant in life.
Two main insecurity triggers can emerge from a change happening in the relationship (and we’ve probably been through most of them): fear of the unknown and loss of control.
FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN
When changes occur in a relationship, it can create uncertainty about what the future holds. This can be especially true if the changes are significant, such as moving to a new country, changing an apartment or starting a new job. Even if the changes are positive, like a couple getting engaged or married, it can still be scary to think about what lies ahead.
LOSS OF CONTROL
If changes in a relationship are happening because of external factors, such as job loss or health issues, it can make us feel like we have lost control over the situation. This can be difficult to handle, especially if we are used to the feeling of control.
💡HOW TO OVERCOME THIS
It’s crucial to remember that change is a natural part of any relationship and doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship is in trouble. Talking openly and honestly with your partner about your feelings can help you both navigate the changes together and come out stronger on the other side.
outside influences
🤌 listen to everyone so you can stop hearing yourself. (don’t!)
Here are some outside influences that can make you feel insecure in your relationship:
SOCIAL MEDIA
I mean, that’s an easy one. Social media can create unrealistic expectations for relationships, as people tend to present only the best aspects of their lives online. Please, don’t feel insecure if your relationship does not measure up to the idealized images you see on social media; they are not real, after all.
FRIENDS & FAMILY Not going to lie, I’m the one needing advice here. Friends and family members are capable of creating and then feeding your insecurities – it took me years to accept that. Their criticism does not mean they do not love you; as a matter of fact, they criticise your relationship because they are protective of you. However, often they tend to impose their trauma on you. It’s tricky when you don’t want to offend anyone, but you eventually need to speak up. Don’t allow negative comments, and don’t take every piece of advice. In the end, only you and your partner can see the full picture; the rest is what you’ve chosen to exhibit.
CULTURAL OR RELIGIOUS VALUES
Cultural or religious values can create tension and insecurity in a relationship if they are not aligned. Imagine your family has certain expectations about who you should marry or how you should conduct your relationship – it can certainly cause conflict and insecurity if these expectations are not met.
💡HOW TO RESOLVE IT?
Set boundaries with outside influences, such as limiting exposure to social media or setting clear expectations with family members. Finally, seeking support from a therapist or counsellor can help manage feelings of insecurity and strengthen the relationship.
ex-partners
👻 or the ghosts of past relationships you weren’t involved in.
That was a new one for me, I have to confess. I’m also definitely not thrilled about my partner reading this, but we’ve gathered here in the name of honesty, so I’ll do what I gotta do, right? Initially, ex-partners (of your partner) should have been part of the outside influences section. However, I did struggle with this one for a while, so the topic is now pretty much living rent-free in my head.
Ex-partners of your partner could indeed contribute to feelings of insecurity in a relationship for several reasons: comparison, memories, emotional baggage, shared history, and contact.
COMPARISON
Am I as interesting? Am I as smart? Am I as successful? Am I as caring? Am I as funny? Am I as attractive? Should I go on? You get the point.
MEMORIES
A relationship takes a big part of your life, and although it might have ended at some point, that does not erase the happy memories you’ve shared with that person (thank God!). It is normal for a partner to bring up their exes when sharing some memories and moments from their past – I do it, you do it – however, it does not always feel good to hear it on the other end. The idea of someone else’s capability of making your person happy wakes up your ego quicker than I’ve ever expected.
EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE
Unresolved emotional baggage from a past relationship can create tension and insecurity in the current relationship. If a partner was hurt in a past relationship, they may struggle to trust their current partner or fear being hurt again.🙋♀️
SHARED HISTORY
If your current partner and their ex have a shared history, such as children, pets or mutual friends, it could possibly create a sense of competition or awkwardness. It could cause worry that your partner’s ex will always be a part of their life and that they will never fully be able to move on.
CONTACT
If your partner is still in contact with their ex, it can create feelings of insecurity and jealousy. Do they still have feelings for their ex? Will their ex try to come between you?
💡HOW TO OVERCOME THIS?
Communication. Communicate openly and honestly with your partner about your feelings of insecurity. Acceptance. Accept that the same way you have chosen to be with your current partner and not with any of your exes, he has chosen to be with you.
Reframe your thinking. Try to reframe your thinking and focus on the positive aspects of your current relationship. Instead of comparing yourself to your partner’s ex, focus on the unique qualities that you bring to the relationship and the reasons why your partner chose to be with you.
Work on your self-esteem. Engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself, and seek out positive affirmations from friends and family.
Seek professional help. If your feelings of insecurity are persistent or interfere with your daily life, it may be helpful to seek professional help from a therapist. A mental health professional can help you work through your feelings and develop coping strategies.
last words
Funny, huh? In the end, this article turned out to be more about the relationship we have with ourselves than with our partners. Don’t be fooled, this isn’t the perfect social media post with a promise to solve all your problems. Insecurities won’t just go away; as human beings, we will always find something to feel insecure about. But with determination and a willingness to work on ourselves, we can develop the confidence and self-assurance we need to achieve our goals and live a fulfilling life without our self-doubt getting in the way.
Fighting my insecurities, I could only imagine, will be a life-long journey. However, I have cried too many tears over this to give up now.
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